When I was 18 I had my whole life mapped out for me- at 27 I’d meet the man of my dreams, move in & get engaged a year later at 28, at 29 I’d get married and at 30 I would have made my first million and pop out my first kid… When I was 21 I moved to LA and was just as ambitious, if not more. I knew I’d make my first million in that decade and was willing to do anything and everything it took to make it happen (shy of participating in the casting “couch” of course!). I got hired on a succession of films and TV shows, working 16 hour days and loved every moment of it. I managed to work nights, get up early in the morning to surf and still have energy for a full day of work after that. And then my career hit a snag, I took a gamble and left the very successful hit TV show that I worked on for an opportunity to move up on a Film. But after that film was over I ended up out of work for the first time in my adult life, and I didn’t like those unemployment payments very much. In the last couple of years I’ve worked as much as I could, a TV show here and there, a pilot or two, a few films, some workout videos, a little reality TV but nothing has been too stable and I’ve managed to blow through my nest egg, reached 30 not only without my million but with no savings and an apartment that was sublet. The problem with having had some time off the last couple of years is it’s changed my priorities. I’m older, those 16 hour days are too much for me especially when I’m not use to them anymore. The 2 ½ hour commutes to most of the studios kills me, especially with my gas guzzling SUV. But most importantly I don’t have what it takes to make it, I’m not ruthless. The entertainment industry is very much a dog eat dog world. You don’t make it to the top being the nice guy; you make it by stepping on everyone on your way up, especially as a female. And I sadly have that nice gene when it comes to work. I’m very much like my father and have an insane work ethic that has both gotten me where I am today but also hindered me from getting further up in the chain. This week was a perfect example… I had to make a decision on a job by Thursday morning, and it’s a good job, one that I will enjoy but it’s not the job that I really wanted. The job that I really wanted I was interviewing for on Friday. It was a big step up, on a series that would enable me to have work through fall… everyone told me to just accept the first job, interview for the 2nd and if I got it then drop out of the first. Seems simple enough. Except I couldn’t do it. Once I give my word I can’t go back on it… it’s a fault I have. Instead I did the safe thing, I couldn’t risked ending up without either jobs so I took a job as an assistant coordinator on two back to back pilots for Warner Brother. Do I regret that decision to give up on the job I really wanted, yes. Do I think that maybe I made a mistake, yes. Would I make that same decision again if I could, sadly yes on that one too. Part of it is that I have seen that no one here in Hollywood has any loyalty, and I’ve always thought that my crazy loyalty was something that would set me apart… and it has. I’ve gotten most of my jobs based on word of mouth and recommendations from people I’ve worked with. And I’m sure I will get more based on that… but at the same time I have to ask myself is this what I really want? Do I want to just be the nice little guppy amongst the school of sharks? Or Maybe it’s time to either put on my big girl teeth and take a bite out of my competition or just stop swimming… But if I just stop swimming, then what?
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